Saturday,Oct 31 2009, 07:23:10 AMSweet JOKES
Some light natter on Marriage, Love ...
Wife : Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
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Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.
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Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
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Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that's because we aren't married yet.
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Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
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A newly married man asked his wife,
'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly,
'I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE'
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Father to son after exam: 'let me see your report card.'
Son: 'My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.'
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Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?'
Millionaire: 'I owe everything to my wife.'
Interviewer: 'Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?'
Millionaire: ' Billionaire'
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
ha ha ha haha
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A wife asked her husband:
'What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
'I like your sense of humor.
A man married virgin woman, after 20 years and half dozen of kids his wife ask him in them 20 anniversary to reply them 1st wedding night. Husband replied “OK, but this time I’ll scream and shout (Oh my God how big is yours”.??
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Man: Oh baby, how much I wish to share whole live with me.
Woman: OK let’s start from your bank account!!??
Homsi: I was born in Lebanon.
Lebanese : 'Oh really, what part?'
Homsi : 'All of me, you silly Lebanese!!.'
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A girl asked her Homsy boyfriend : 'Habibi, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?'
Sure replied the Homsy: 'What's your phone number?'
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Homsy is for the 1st time buying a colour TV.
Homsi: Do you have colour TVs?
Sailsman : Sure.
Homsi: Give me a green one.
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Lebanese : What is ANOTHER difference between a MOSQUITO and a FLY?
Homsi : A FLY can FLY but a MOSQUITO cannot MOSQUITO!
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Q: How do you keep a Homsi busy all day ??
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
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Q: How do you make a homsi laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
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Q: Why did the homsi stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
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Q: How do you keep a homsi busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
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Q: Why can't homsis make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
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Q: How did the homsi try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.
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Q: Why did 18 homsis go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!!
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Q: What do you call a homsi in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
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Q: A homsi ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: 'Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.'
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Interview:
Interviewer : 'Sex?'
homsi : '4-5 times daily’
Interviewer : 'No. I meant male or female?'
homsi : Doesn’t matter male, female or even animal’
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homsi #1: 'Have you ever read Shakespeare?'
homsi #2: 'No, who wrote it ??
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What about the homsi's wife who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
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homsi: 'Excuse me sir, what time is it?'
MAN: 'It's 3:15.'
homsi: (puzzled look on his face) 'You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.'
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A homsi was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said 'DISNEYLAND LEFT'. After thinking for a minute he said to himself 'oh well!' and turned around and returned home. =============================================
A Homsi got himself a puzzle game. It took him 10 hard months to finish it. He was so proud of himself because at the side of the box it said ' 2-3 years'!!!
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WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's White Wings, isn't it?
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a farmyard of cows, goats and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
And were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
At 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had m issed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn' t wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him..
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
If you want your wife to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
Saturday,Oct 17 2009, 07:58:47 AMSaint Valentine
Saint Valentine (in Latin, Valentinus) is the name of several martyred saints of ancient Rome. The name "Valentine", derived from valens (worthy), was popular in late antiquity.[2] Of the Saint Valentine whose feast is on February 14, nothing is known except his name and that he was buried at the Via Flaminia north of Rome on February 14. It is even uncertain whether the feast of that day celebrates only one saint or more saints of the same name. For this reason this liturgical commemoration was not kept in the Catholic calendar of saints for ...
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Monday,Oct 12 2009, 01:36:06 PMKisses
Kissing Explained
A first kiss should always be done while the two of you are alone. This will help to avoid any unnecessary nervousness and embarrassing situations.
The best type of kiss is one that uses different variations...
such as starting with a small kiss, working into a French Kiss, maybe sucking on your partner's upper or lower lip... ...
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