There will be so many entries based on this one emotion. This one sin.

I hate it, I hate it to oblivion.  Such a small emotion that is containable, is tearing me apart, consuming my heart and eating away at my mind.

I don't want to be under it's influence, I don't want to hurt anyone because of it.

Because of me, my monstrous form.

It's so hard, hearing them talk about how they'll fail from one B.  It is as if a 99.8 would destroy them, and I can understand if it were disappointing, but to talk about it that far? 

That's ridiculous, and it's so hurtful. 

What is it supposed to make me feel like? 

Of course I feel like trash next to them.  Like, 'whoa..  who am I next to this kid?  I get Bs and she's freaking out over a A+!  What am I next to that..?'

One of them said that moving from her old elementary school to the one that I was in made her stupider because we were so far behind compared to the other school.  Back when I was in elementary with her, I ignored it.

But when she brought it up during a conversation recently, she suddenly seemed so out of place, even though we, almost all of us, felt as if we didn't belong.  No one said anything. 

Later that night, when part of the group had a party, one of my other friends said what we all were saying to ourselves in our hearts, "Yeah, she made me feel stupid."

This envious feeling in me makes me hate these high achievers, even though they're my friends. 

I loathe them, I feel so angry I want to bare my teeth and howl my anger to the open sky.

But I do know that I do not hate them.  I hate their achievements, because of my own envy.

I know that it is my own fault.

But above all that, I am proud of myself for achieving the grades I did, because I started out low, and worked my way up.

The things that weigh me down, is the loathe that radiates from my own family, and the ridiculous unintentional mockery from my friends and relatives.

Anger radiates from me more for myself than them.

I want to die, knowing I can never achieve whatever my family wants me to do.

They'll continue to think that I am lazy, that I am a worthless worm that cares for nothing.

This only makes me feel even more frightened, of showing them what I got.