Monday,Mar 23 2009, 04:24:16 PMThe feeling of unrequited love

 

(Myself story,I wrote in Chinese,translate by help on line)

 

When I was reading in junior middle school,I didnt know why I had abruptly queer feeling in that girl schoolmate who sitted in front of me.In class hour , when she turned her head back ,I feel nervous right away and didnt dare to face to her. She did this several times, so close! Moreover,if I didnt see her one day,I missed her very much.When I met her on the road to school or back home,my heart beated strongly.I dreamed of her sometimes.I knowed I had falled in love with her.But at that age,boys and girls didnt be allowed making friends(distinctive Chinese history).

 

For a long period of time , she had sitted in the seat in front of mine. She turns back with her head several times , I felt she perceived my confuse, because she looked like making unforgettable saying: hey-hey , you boy also felt bashful, and she did show the expression that she wanted to laugh. Her big eyes gave me a deep impression , just like the big eyes of a feminine lead role of a China TV play "pearl- return princess". I hoped she would always sit in front of me.

 

I may be too early to understand the opposite sex attraction.After read the novel "Sunny Day" writed by Haoran,I was deeply attracted by the covered description of love between Changchun Xiao and Shuhong Char,the two leading roles in the novel. After all, "Sunny Day" was the novel at age of 60's, There were even no description of love in 70's Chinese film.

 

That was towards the end of Chinese "Cultural Revolution",Chinese could only watch the revolution model operas.Everyone had seen these revolution model operas several times and felt tired very much.After that,feature films grown slowly. There was a film deeply attracting me,and the theme song in this film worth hearing a hundred times. The film called "Red Rain".I had seen this film 7 times. It seem that not only the theme song and the beautiful mountain scenery attracted me,but also a ten-year-old girl wearing a small red scarf and doing nurse work in the film attracting me deeply.I imagined I was the hero of the film, a 16-year-old boy, "barefoot doctors", who was followed with the girl around.In fact,I was stirred together by the film and real life.

 

The "eyes fights" betwine front seat girl and me were not too many.There was another deep impression too.Once , I had to pay her some money. Although it was normal,I did not know why I felt so intensive.Hard to control myself, I told her: "pay you ", and then handed her the money. She said nothing, stretching hand to take. At the moment I put the money into her hand, I was shocked!A girl's little hand ah! (I'm afraid my felling at that time more strong than the felling of the man hero in Hong Kong drama " Xiguan Master" appreciating the toes of "down feces sister" )

 

She always passed by my home when she went to school or back home. The highway was just in front of my house.I had not met her before the door of my house.Only sometimes I heard her voice and laughter across the road at home. As a result of her sitting in front of me,I had no reason to peep at her at home.

 

In my memory, I had the filling of unrequited love in second-year in junior high school ,when the head teacher changed. She was the class cadres and I was no longer a squad leader.

 

The new head teacher was a man.He was very kind to her,maybe he had been very familiar to her, maybe he had favorable impression on her,maybe other reasons.

 

At that school day's time,there were good and bad.The good were that there was no homework and you didnt have to study hard at school.If you studied hard you would be think a bookworm.I had mild myopia,and could not see the words on blackboard clear,but I did not dare wear glasses. What was bad? That was we had to take part in farmland capital construction,those rural works would made you exhausted.

 

The time past day by day.Not remembering accurate time, The " Gang of Four "(Who had the power control the country)were smashed, and secondary school graduates no longer went to the country to join a production team.We would no longer worry about going to rural areas and having a harder life. And then the college entrance examination restored,and the road of learning for young would be more longer.Boys and girls began to pay attention to learning .

 

That was the third years in junior middle school.School president came to our class and urged us learning. At that time, there was little pressure of competition in learning.Of course, even the naughty boys in class begun to study. I was the best in the class,so I didn't not worry about which high school I would be admitted. Because the learning, the felling of unrequited love seemed to disappear. There was another reason that she no longer sat in front of me. I thought that my feeling of unrequited love had disappeared.

 

The time past quickly.When the examination for high school was over, She and I was admitted to a key middle school in our county.I was in class 1(priority class in our school), and she was in class 3 or 4.There were 3 person in our junior middle school class admitted to this school. Unlike now,there were no ceremony,no photos, no graduation. Every classmate was dispersed and began a new starting.

 

At that time, being admitted to college would be think of family pride. Since I was in priority class in key school, reading was a top priority.There would be more than 15 of 50 admitted to college in my class, other classes would be even less. Unlike now,learning had the power relating the future life. So, my ears did not hear out of the window and only read the book.I did not see a movie even.

 

My parents were teachers both.They wished me admitted to university.But they counld not care about my learning because they were teaching in rural primary. Maybe I had congenital factors.

 

Although in the same school ,I had a few opportunities to meet her.Strangely, I did not deliberately want to meet her. My home away from school 2-3 km, at first I could go to school by bike .Then I had to walk to school because my school was on the main road and school leader no longer allowed us riding by bike. So I spent more time on the road to school and back home .But I had more opportunities to meet her on the road. we went to school on same road, and she lived in a place not on the roadside but on the lane.

 

One evening on the road to school I met her. She were walking out of the lane with a female classmate. I was on the left side of the road, they were on the right. Suddenly, my heart was beating so strong , my body felt a surge of hot.

 

Another time I met her when I back home with my male classmate in afternoon.But this time I did not react.

 

However, the more stronger reaction appeared again. That was on the road to school in evening. She had a female classmate coming along. I was on the left side of the road, they were on the right. I could see her background and hear her voice. Suddenly, more stronger reaction appeared when I pass them! This time, weather my sensitive or her intention, I felt she talking and laughing more louder when she saw me! Leaving this unforgetable feeling on my lifetime, it also left me with a lifetime of regret: Why at that time I did not say a word to her!

 

Never forget about her increasing voice and laughter, and leave me a lifetime regret!

 

After the college entrance examination, I had been admitted to East China Textile College in Shanghai. With expectations for a better future, I left home and took a long trip to college.That was my first time leaving home alone and first time to take a trip by train.Headed for the school thousands of miles, I felt everything was new.

 

But after one year later, the feeling of freshness disappeared. I dreamed of her suddenly!Many times! I knew that was a dream when I waked up every times, the kind of disappointed feeling was hard to describe!

 

At that time in college, not many students fell in love.

 

When I backed home on vacations, I met my junior high school classmates and inquired about her intentionally or unintentionally. She had not pass the college entrance examination. She participated in recruitment and was hired by a banking department in town. Although I had strong wish to see her in college,I did not know how to do at home.I had no chance to meet her. Most of classmates I met were  high school classmates ,some were male classmates in junior high school. Moreover,I did not know where to work in in the future. Everything would be uncertain, beyond my control.And I did not like to work in my small county.

 

After that, I knew nothing about her. Most of my classmates in junior high school worked in local. There was no classmates party. A small number of male students formed "gang", often met together. A few years ago I received a call, my classmate said that we would get together.But I thought “we”would be some male classmates only.

 

Now I am a middle-aged person.My feelings of remembering past time are strong sometimes.My greatest wish in lifetime is that I will have a chance to see my unrequited lover,telling her about my feeling.Not for love, just end my lifetime regret.This opportunity must exist, because we were classmates after all.

 

(The end,thanks for reading,best wish to you)