Today's been extremely tough on me... I feel so emotionally and mentally drained, almost as bad as the weather outside- rainy, thunderstorming... pathetic fallicy... the weather feels my pain, my heart break, this unbearable self-pity and self-attempt to convince myself that none of this is my fault, that I am not responsible for the way people treat me like shit. I couldn't sleep all night; I was so caught up on these obsessive thoughts over my anger towards this individual I despise. I couldn't get over the fact that he had wronged me so many times, for so long and I had just let him get away with it each and every time. I went to school this morning seeking help desperately. The secretary at the Councilling Office told me to come back either before school, after school or during my lunch, seeing as those are the only times she books appointments for students. I say "okay" grudgingly and somehow make it through second period complaining to my friend about how painful it is for me to hurt this teacher, how greatly this teacher has affected me... I go through third period art class (with the teacher in close proximity) extremely pissed off and I don't say a word to anyone because I'm feeling so shitty about myself and the fact that I have to pretend to fake as if nothing is wrong with me, in front of "him." I go back to the guidance office fourth period, knowing that if I didn't speak to someone soon, I would probably committ the act I committ daily in my head, in reality. I'm on the computer surfing when I see the secretary walk in, so I look at her, hoping she can telepathically understand I am extremely eager to get a session with my counselor. She looks to me with no remorse and instead, she says, "Don't Speak. There's a sign on my desk." The sign on her desk said, Out to lunch... I did what she asked me to do and now she plays me by telling me she won't help me out when I know I won't make it if I don't talk to someone that can shed some light on my situation. I felt so hopeless then, so angry, so upset... Never have I felt so abandoned, never have I felt more pain from a single incident, never have I come to such honest terms with the possibility that the world might just hate me for a couple seconds any given day. I caved in- I broke down... I couldn't take it anymore. The lack of sleep, this endless hate, this self-hate and doubt, not knowing whether this is my fault or not, the lack of help the psychologist at the hospital is offering me, the fact that I need consistent counselling weekly to remain stable, the fact that mom has locked away those pills that will help me in the short-term to control this Social anxiety, General anxiety, OCD, OCT... Finally a guidance counselor took me into her office and I told her what that bitch of a secretary said to me and how that was the final straw. She immediately granted my request to see Timmings and I had a session booked for tomorrow at 1:45 p.m., but seeing as I couldn't stop crying, she told me to stick around and maybe she could get my counselor to speak to me as soon as possible. I walk back out into the common waiting room area, and there's Alex on the computer about to ask me a question. When she sees the tears pouring out of my eyes, she says "Oh my god Anthia... Are you okay? What's wrong?". Me: Shakes head to reply no, continues sobbing. The room's a cloud now, I can't see through the tears pouring out of my eyes at a rapid pace... all I wanted was some fuckin' help, and no, I had to do it all by myself going to extreme measures just to get someone to talk to who could understand and help me out. I finally get to talk to my counselor, and I am so thankful I have her to help me. She does for me what I can't do for myself, she reminds me that I haven't completely lost it, that I still have a logical side within me and I can fight back these irrational thoughts and build-up a belief system of only positive compliments towards myself. She sees an entirely different side of the individual I so strongly despise, and was quite shocked to hear how I perceive him to be... She has done more to aid me than my psychologist will do for me in a year's time. Fuck the stupid secretary that's so rude, I now have the permission to see my counselor anytime I feel distressed, need someone to talk to desperately, have any violent thoughts, etc... without booking an appointment beforehand. She's also going to help me try to see the child psychologist more often, at least once a week, gave me a list of books that could help me with my depression issues and gave me a form that has to get signed by my family doctor and psychologist so the three of them can exchange information and perhaps work together as a "team" to help me out somehow. So much shit happened today, but in the end, I only realize that for every ten people that you hate or hate you, there is at least one person out there willing to love you and help you out, regardless of whether or not you're friends with them. I didn't go back to class for fifth period because I still felt too emotionally shocked (as I still do now), so mom took me home, where I've been conducting some self-healing through reading a social anxiety disorder handbook, watching some television (does this count?) and I guess really thinking things over. In a matter of moments, my ordinary day at school evolved into an insane emotional roller coaster that just keeps rushing downhill at a fast pace... there are no brakes, just the very thoughts I have to try to make myself believe in... those that spark positivity. The scary part is still to come; I have to have an "adult" conversation with the teacher I hate with great passion... thankfully and I hope to God the school counselor stays for the entire meeting; I don't think the meeting will progress well without her presence in it. I don't know what to do in the short-term to help myself out of this emotional wreck. All I can do is go on living like I don't have these problems to deal with- I'm not denying what I've already confessed I have problems with, I just can't do anything about them because I don't know what to do. God I have a bad headache- it always happens when I cry too long.

I feel 1% better knowing that somewhere cares enough to help, that I found someone that could help. The more you want something, the harder it is for you to attain that certain "thing." I was about to give up, I showed it by breaking down- tears means I'm on the verge of losing all hope completely, but it's at that breaking point that circumstances automatically do a 180 degree turn, and I'm able to more than just see the other side to the coin. I predicted this year would be full of tears; every year is for me at school, but though I cry often, more than 89% of the time, I cry because I've had it... I can't take the present anymore, I refuse to, I resist... I think things are going to be okay, at least I hope so. There's still so much more I will learn about tolerance, about perseverance, about loving those who despise me, about disregarding matters that otherwise would be personal, because they're not worth absorbing within. Everyone has breaking points- I guess my tolerance level just happened to be at -100 today, and I know, this is only the first of numerous melt-downs that will occur.

I don't feel that an 80% is sufficient enough for me to be guaranteed admission into the program for the university I wish to attend next summer. I will have to learn to accept whatever mark I get by the end of this semester, but I will sacrifice and sacrifice to get that low 90 score... I've succeeded before, and this person of such great (catastrophic) significance in my life right now can take the best of me, because now I realize, what I thought of myself to be good before, was only the imitation of this skull-fucked teacher. So he can take the best of me, because all that's left is so much better than what I've lost through his takings. He can skull-fuck himself to death, he can expect me never to be friends with him, or to be genuinely "nice" towards him. Even after the "talk" if he even agrees to it in the first place, I'll still hate him as much as I do now, but hopefully, I won't let his taunting remarks and actions affect me so much in the future. If he refuses to change- why should I? He will never say sorry for all the times he's hurt me, he won't have any regrets, he feels no guilt in the after-effects... he is the egotistical man... the one that has to shoot down each and every individual that shows resistance to his manipulative ways. I refuse to have anything more to do with him in this lifetime of mine, no matter how short or how long it proves to be... but I need to use him now, use him to get me into university, so that is why I have no choice but to build-up a defence mechanism that will allow myself to filter out all the shit he tries to dish out to me daily... I need to build up even more resistance, but fool him with utter obedience. I will make him a slave to my deception- he will suffer, no doubt about it; I don't even have to try to make him suffer if I don't want to- Karma's a bitch and she'll make him pay for everything he's ever done to me. You can't change people, but you can watch them receive what they deserve and not feel sympathetic towards them in return... because of the very fact that they deserved it.

Well, an extra person additioned to my ever-growing list of highschool faux pas. This will only add to my determination to make it out of here and move onto a world unknown. Things could be worse at university, but I highly doubt that will be the case. A new setting has to mean change in some aspects of life, so I look forward to it. I wasn't the only one teared-up at the school office today. Two guys sitting beside me, both intensively nervous, one of them begging the principal not to suspend him. All I hear the principal say is, "I don't want to talk about this right now. I saw what happened, you shoving the other boy. Anymore talk of this and I will increase the length of your suspension." For such crappy weather outside, I'm not surprised shit is happening in so many people's lives. I think about how no one knows the story behind your tears, everyone only sees segments of your day through your behaviour, selected words you speak, and through your facial expressions... no one truly knows what you have on your plate and how all of that is making you feel. It's all assumption, a guessing game, a "I wish I could help you but I don't know what the hell is going on" sort of mind-set... To cry is not to seek attention, it is a form of release, a showing of the most vulnerable side of any human being- the showing of hopelessness, loss in self-assurance, the desperation of a need that feels as though it will rip your mind apart unless it is fulfilled. People are always going to talk when they see you in tears, perhaps that is why I chose not to go back to class... that and the fact that I don't stop crying immediately after something as drastic as this occurs- no, in fact it takes me a long time to fully recover, gather my thoughts together and start thinking about brighter ideals regularly. I don't know how I'm going to make it, but now I'm forced to think twice about murdering someone inside my mind... it hurts too much to do it, and this hurt out-weighs the benefits of release I do gain from thinking about such an act. It's so dark outside, I feel so empty on the inside. Overwhelming doesn't summarize all I do feel presently, it's proven to be an understatement. I don't see how I could have gotten help any other way; if everything happens for a reason, I have only to wait a while longer to understand why this day unraveled the way it did. The anwer of "obtaining help" is too simple for me to be satisfied with- I want a detailed explanation, a thorough analysis of the entire situation, and then I'll be gratified.

Life- my most prominent inspiration, the most deceptive inescapable being ever

The numbness left after tears have stung the eyes to redness,
the feeling of utter confusion and of being displaced,
where is the brain? when will the heart stop mourning for itself?
I ask and ask of it to stop, no more tears can fall...
the next liquid will be blood that is spilled.

To not care what others say, such a difficult defence to learn,
so much heart ache and doubt fills my mind,
sometimes I don't think it's worth my effort,
but it's then that I realize, I have no choice...
life is as it should be, I am doing what I was destined to come across,
no matter how bad the wounds rip the skin,
no matter how much energy drains from the physical body,
no matter how strongly the heart hates itself for living out it's purpose to love and can for others,
no matter how dormant the brain becomes in it's stages of being mentally shocked,
always know, it's not the end. There's still so much more to experience, to live through.
Death is for cowards-
I choose immortality... and the only way to stay alive, is by living,
until the day I physically die and am transported to a new stage of my life,
deep within the glorious depths of the ever so appealing afterlife.

Silence these wails of discomfort,
cry out these tears until there are no more,
you are my worse enemy life,
but I will defeat you and I will kill you
by beating you at your own game- I'll outlive you,
skull-fuck you to death until you realize you have become death...
I'll survive you, but only because you'll be surviving me.
I embrace you fully life, with my arms wrapped tightly around your outwardly beautiful figure,
and the harder your embrace upon me, the more intense your grasp around my throat as you slowly choke me to death,
the deeper my nails will drag into your thick layers of skin...
the drawing of your blood is stage one, the ways one can kill are limitless.
I choose though, to corrupt you mentally first, as you have done to me,
and what I refuse to do to myself, I will make you committ to yourself-
death is your end and you know no ending after, but I wasn't the one that killed you,
only the one that inspired you to bring about your own ending.