Do they call it teen angst? And if they do, why do they call it that? Is that saying that I don't have the right to be angry without being condemned as having no sense of self-control over this rage that I feel so often? Well fuck them- these damn arrogant adults that always claim to know more than their own children. They were once children themselves- stop being so bloody cocky for the sake of "keeping up with appearances." By the way, I loved that British comedy... haha. It's not Bucket, it's Bouquet! Haha.

So I figure, as long as I'm going to have this red eye, I might as well laugh it off. The next person that makes a comment about it or teases me about it, instead of thinking "fuck you" inside of my mind, I'll politely tell them that I've got fire in my eye, because being a Leo, I naturally burst into flames whenever I want to... I have control over this, or at least I can force myself to believe that I do. So much damn fuckin' homework; thank God I got it all done before tomorrow. With the Literacy test going on, I'm using homework and my red eye as an excuse not to attend any of my classes. That and the fact that I would be doing nothing there anyways, so I might as well sleep in and try to get my eye in tip-top shape for Friday. Nothing to look forward to that day except a presentation on racism and also a stupid essay due.

Don't even get me started about english class. I feel as if the teacher is a bitch, based on the single reason that she is giving me shitty-ass marks because she's too picky and I don't do exactly what she tells me to do. That's not even it- she doesn't make it CLEAR what the hell her expectations even are; fuck her. I could care less what she thinks about my writing; I was a good writer, Gresch thought so in Writer's Craft and I'm still a good writer regardless of what she thinks. She can have a say but her say has no impact on my self-perception. Long have I allowed teachers to claim power over my own self-confidence and perception of self... they do not own me- they never will. She doesn't know me well enough to make a judgment that I can take seriously; she is a stranger. That's like someone random walking up to me on the streets and calling me a "bitch" for no reason whatsoever. That is her expectations, her marking style, her... everything. Fuck that- whatever. I have no tolerance for her- she can shut the hell up or else I'll interrupt HER everytime she wants to say something, like she did to me today when I was discussing matters with my essay group.

Want more logical criticism? Now I know that both her and I aren't that strong in math, but it doesn't take one to be good in math, to be able to think logically. I don't think she has any ounce of logic in her. Honestly, she's an adult... time to break this misconception that plagues society. Just because someone is older and seemingly so more "experienced," doesn't make them right or more correct in everthing they think, say and do. I have more logic than her- if she would take my advice, maybe we could negotiate out some compromise. But whatever- I am so over this power struggle, this egotistical fight for shitless nothing. I'm pouncing the next time she gives me a bad mark- I demand her to defend her marking. I have reason to believe I'm being singled out; does she have something against me or the way I write? The way I write is personal so if she has a problem with it, it becomes my problem to deal with. Bitch...

Gosh, teachers and school and me don't make a good threesome. In fact, that sounded disgusting. As if I would ever think of having relationships with teachers- they fuckin' hate me so I hate them for hating me. That is the way it will stay because I said so... no, because life always proves me right. I have reason to be arrogant- I'm pissed off, and when I'm pissed off, I act so unlike my real, more consistent self. I become a selfish snob because I distrust anyone and everyone. Heck, human kind hasn't exactly treated anyone nicely 24/7 so we all have good reason to be skeptical of one another.

I keep having dreams of you, and days after I dream about you, terrible things happen to me in real life. You are a curse- how is it you live on in my unconscious and leak your way out of that mind prison that I've built? Stop enslaving me- the next time I dream about you, I'm killing you. You can't be part of my present and you will NEVER be part of my future. You hear that? Now go on and get out of my mind, you memory of the real person I equally love as much as I hate. Damn it- I hate emotions sometimes. They are so complicated and unclear, I don't know what to make of them. Good or bad? You were bad to me- you don't deserve my time of day ever again and I have a right to say that. You have to comply, or else, I will... and karma it back to you. Walk straight out of your life. See how you like that- a taste of your own bittersweet, more bitter than sweet medicine.

Fuck it- I'm so pissed off at the world these days. I seem to be so calm on the surface at first glance, but hear me out and I can rant hours on end to you. No one knows the real me; the real me isn't for anyone to know except for a selected few. I need to know you won't ever judge me first and once I feel safe, and that is, if you can prove yourself to be a safe haven for me, then I will confess... The real Anthia is someone not many people know- in fact, only two and a half people know me fully and one of them isn't even a person- he's a God, a supreme being. Everything beyond my control, is in his control because out of hopelessness, I've given it all up to him. I don't mind though; I wasn't exactly doing a "good" job taking responsibility for everything that occurred in my life in the past. From now on, I am a new convert- I think so, at least. 

The green man... New Age is fascinating. I barely know anything about the belief itself, except for the fact that no, I do not consider myself a goddess. But no one can say that Enya's music isn't appealing in the least way possible, or that nature itself is more beautiful than any human being will ever get... Bitch- I'm responsible for you... you fuck me over and tease me for doing you a favour and I won't do the favour for you. I'll leave you to fail and then, I won't even feel guilty for it... I'll deny the guilt if it happens that I should feel it. Just to give you a taste of your own bigotry- you narcissist... sometimes you seem that way to me. I have no tolerance or patience for self-absorbed people. If you want to be self-absorbed, don't prove to me that you are. Just be by yourself, or else you're being a poser. Only self-absorbed people are true loners, because they are too self-absorbed to absorb the presence of any others in their life.

Prove me wrong- life, I acknowledge the truth of you too often. The truth is anything that is hopeless and depressing, anything that shoots down your dreams and makes you stay "realistic."

Embrace that which is helpful, or that which can only make you feel sad. Sad is a great feeling... I wish more people would be depressed more often. Then they wouldn't have to complain about not being able to learn "anything," whenever they wanted to.

You... This ship has sailed off... it sailed off a long time ago. You're just fooling yourself- wake up. We are in two completely different worlds. I said it once and I'll say it once again. Have a good life- I know that my life is good... without you in it. Guess what? I've survived so long without you, which makes me think, you were never there in the first place.

Burn- I've got fire in my eye.

So what?

Signed: Yours, Anthia