Thursday,Apr 30 2009, 06:58:32 AMChange????

Just returned from the terrace. It’s an awesome place to be at especially when you’re feeling like shit. Or you’re feeling nothing it all. It’s a great place to be at nevertheless. Sitting on the water tank, having nothing to do. Gazing at the sky, birds flying freely around. Watching the sunset. Trying to figure out the number of shades of orange you see there. Watching the trees sway around. Wishing you could go and live in some forest for the rest of your life. Live like Tarzan, hope your Jane would come around some day. It’s the only place where the constant music that’s playing inside my head stops. I can hear nothing when I’m there. Absolutely nothing. And even if there are a number of cars honking on the road near the building, kids shouting, aunties gossiping or whatever, you hear nothing when you’re there. Up on the terrace. Not that it’s at a big height, just a 4-storey building, but the place has something about it. A calm, serene feeling overcomes. It’s a rare feeling actually. No thoughts. No worries.

(Blank Mind)

But for someone like me who’s got such an unstable mind, this feeling is short-lived. The music starts again. The music is so loud that I can’t hear the cars, trains, blah. That’s perhaps the only good thing that happens after the departure of the serene feel. Thoughts start popping up. Unfortunately.

(Now Playing: Porno Daddy – Freak Kitchen)

What I’ve become? How I was 2 years ago back in school, and how I am now? Is this just a normal phase, or is this because of the new people I met? Did I do this to myself or is it the effect of the random shit that happened during these 2 years? Leave that aside, are these changes for good? Whatever I’m doing, be it the career I’m choosing or the way I’m living my life, is it correct? Have I chosen the right path? Rather, have I even chosen my path? I don’t know why, but I’m going to continue the rest of the thing in second person.

(Now Playing: Buddy – Scribe)

Back in school, he was a loner. Throughout the 12 years he spent in school, he never had more than 4 friends per grade. From 5th grade till 10th, he had the same 3 friends. That was a good thing. Big time introvert. Could never really figure out how to communicate with the opposite sex. Except a couple maybe. Had he figured that out, and also figured out what they talked and meant, he would have come to know at that very time that 3 females were hitting on him. Now that is a good thing. But only if one realizes it. He didn’t. Yeah I know, loser. Good in academics, extra-curricular activities. Represented his school at the state level in a science project competition. Got some awards here and there. Stood 4th in school in the board examination. Nearly the whole school knew him. Yet he was down to earth, basically, he was the nice, simple guy types. However he couldn’t differentiate between who’s faking and who’s not. Nice guys are taken advantage of. Same happened with him. Nice guys really do finish last. I still remember that innocent, thin and simple guy. I miss him at times.

(Now Playing: Time – Pink Floyd)

Things have changed now. And I’m not talking about his transition from Pop/Punk Rock to Metal. He knows many people now. You can’t even think that this guy’s ever been an introvert. He still takes some time to adjust to people, but that’s very less. He’s become more of an extrovert. He’s got a lot of friends, but he still cares about just a few. He can connect with the opposite sex now. And also understands when, who’s hitting on him. He is a bit less concerned about academics now, since he’s got more things to do. Does he? Let’s not talk about that. He’s an underdog almost everywhere when it comes to academics. Be it his college or coaching classes. But he does study anyhow. He can easily differentiate between fakies and non-fakies. And I’m not talking about Orkut profiles. He cannot be taken advantage of now. In fact, he takes advantage of people. Saala selfish. He’s actually become something pretty opposite of what he used to be.

(Now Playing: Light My Fire – The Doors)

Why has this happened? Perhaps it’s just a phase of growth or maybe the people he met. Maybe these changes are for the good. Or perhaps, the good old simple guy was better. But the reason for the changes is still unknown. He wishes to find those reasons. Perhaps it could be just a phase. Yeah, let’s just think that way. Everyday is a lesson after all. You learn from them and become wiser and change. He too, learned in a similar way. Be it some fights, his falling for a female, that getting absurdly screwed up, that getting further complicated, ………The list is endless. But oh well, he is still learning. ‘A lesson lived is a lesson learnt’ are the lyrics of a track that inspire him. So I guess this long essay should put an end to his constant contemplation since he’s thrown out all of it. I really hope that does happen.

(Now Playing: Inpropagation – Carcass)

The only 2 things that have remained the way they were between the Anirudh today and the Anirudh back in school are- (a) both never cared about what people thought of him and (b) both are still confused about everything, they can never make up their mind. Never mind.

(I won’t insert a track name, I know you’re sick of it by now)

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