Journal
Friday,Jun 19 2009, 11:27:02 PMJokes for you
Three Nature Lovers
Three nature lovers went for a drive into the mountains one day to see if they could spot some bears. They wanted to take pictures of bears for their photo album. So they drove along an old dirt road until they entered the trees. As they rounded a curve, they spotted a sign that read: "BEAR LEFT."So they turned around and went home.
The marine and a terrorist
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah
when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar
but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent."
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy
is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know
how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a
frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah?
Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Diamonds
It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.'Oh, I don't know ,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds.
That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.
Robo Teacher
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
Lawyer Named Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
My Grades
A high-school student came home one night rather depressed."What's the matter, Son?" asked his mother.
"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my grades. They're all wet."
"What do you mean 'all wet?'"
"You know," he replied, "...below C-level."
Camping Trip
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?'
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
"You dumber than buffalo droppings. Someone stole tent."
About Penguins...
Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more.
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguins have a very strong community bond. They are very committed to their family and will mate for life.
They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing...
..."freeze a jolly good fellow..."
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without
bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard
ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence
of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards!."
Charley the Wal-Mart greeter
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a fantastic job, but your being late so often is bothersome. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General. Coffee this morning, sir?'"
Stockbroker or Frog
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"
The Feminist
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
Young Bride
The
family was disturbed. Grandpa Ezra, aged seventy-five, decided to get
married. What worried the relatives was the fact that the bride Ezra
selected was a young, healthy twenty-two year old.
One of
Ezra's sons cornered him and pleaded: "Look Paw, you must give this
more thought. It's very serious. In fact, a thing like this could prove
fatal!"
"So what?" answered Ezra, unperturbed. "If she dies, I'll marry again."